“Hi! My name is Mary, and I’m a politicaholic and a talkaholic.”
Okay, so I just invented two words. Beat me. But seriously, wouldn’t it be great if there were 12-step programs for either or both of these issues? Because the two together make a poisonous combination, particularly for those of us who find ourselves walking alongside such a person in a confined space like a community pool.
Our lazy-river pool is full of talkaholics who barely take breaths, hyperventilate if someone else is talking, and never listen and retain what others say: Babs (of the castor oil and cataracts), Beth, another Susan I’ve heard referred to as “Old Mouthy,” and Vickie. I also have a non-pool friend I love dearly who is the same. It seems to be endemic to our society, but no amount of research has led me to a certain cause or a sure cure.
Most of the women mentioned have favorite talkaholism topics. For Barb it’s what’s on TikTok, the movies, or who’s causing trouble at the pool; for Beth it’s family health issues; for Mouthy it’s usually her ex-husband. For my friend, it’s a bank of good memories. Only Vickie’s talkaholism adjusts to whatever subject comes up. And none of them talk much about politics, thankfully.
Which brings us back to Mary.
On the surface
Mary is vivacious and fun-loving, has a great figure (she’s going on 70) and a bouncy (gray) ponytail. One of the poolgoers teasingly calls her Barbie, as in the doll (not to be confused with the Barb in TPT#1).
I readily picture Mary as the flight attendant she once was, serving up cocktails, passing out pillows and blankets, and helping passengers feel at ease. She has a great smile and an infectious laugh.
All of which draws you in.
Duking it out over 3 summers
Summer #1
The first time I remember hearing Mary’s political banter was in 2022, my first year aqua-walking. She joined Cheryl and I and immediately began talking MAGA politics and conspiracy theories to Cheryl as if they were old pals. Cheryl, however, only nodded, unable to get a word in. I walked away. Later, I caught up with Cheryl sans Mary and found Cheryl had only talked with Mary a few times and didn’t even know her name.
summer #2
Another encounter was in 2023 when Mary was walking with another friend and I, blaming everything that’s wrong in this country on “the left.” When I couldn’t take it any more I said, “Do you realize that the people on the left think the people on the right are the problem?”
She looked surprised and got quiet. “Nooo…”
“Both sides are wrong, you know. It’s just not that simple,” I said with a raised voice and irritation that others around us noticed. Raising my voice was the only way to get Mary to hear over her own ramblings.
This time she walked away. Not offended, just scouting out another face to blab her bullshit at, uninterrupted and unchallenged.
After that, I made a concentrated effort any time she fell into step beside me to keep the conversation away from politics. She tried to bait me with complaints about her ideas of “woke” culture or criticism of her son’s employer because he’d been required to get a COVID vaccine. But I just said “uh-huh” or “oh” and didn’t take the bait. Sometimes I’d just flat-out change the subject.
My avoidance mostly got me through.
summer #3
Around the time President Biden withdrew from the election race, Mary implied there was a story in the news announcing some sort of developmental malady he suffered from. “I hadn’t heard that. So what’s wrong with him?”
Oops! A misspeak on my part because she started in on everything she thought was wrong. There was no real story, no new news about Biden’s health. In her rant she blamed Biden for “out-of-control” inflation, and I decided to risk correcting her. “Actually,” I ventured, “inflation is down to normal levels, thanks to Biden. I just heard a discussion of that on NPR this morning.”
She flew into a frenzy, waved her arms, shook her head back and forth and said, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That’s crap. Grocery store prices are still through the roof!”
“Yes, they are,” I said, having a difficult time making my point over her histrionics. “Because groceries never went back down after the supply-chain issues caused by COVID. But that’s a separate issue and only one part of the picture. My point is the RATE of inflation itself is now at normal levels.”
“I am so SICK of hearing everything blamed on COVID,” she shifted, maintaining her level of vehemance.
At this point I reiterated that I don’t like talking politics at the pool, that she KNOWS I don’t like it and yet she continues to do it. “We–you and I–shouldn’t talk about this stuff. It has no place here.” It ruins the zen.
“I’m never going to get you to change your mind, am I?” she asked, a sly smile crossing her face.
“Nope.”
She countered with, “But you really should look into some alternative news sources, then you’d understand better what’s really going on.”
At this, steam probably poured from both my ears. “I’m not interested in wasting my time going down some alternative news wormhole.”
“I don’t think it’s a wormhole. That’s not what I…” and her voice trailed off into silence.
After a few uncomfortable minutes of more silence as we continued to walk together, I said, “So, read any good books lately?”
Lame. I know. I think someone else came up and started talking to us at that point, and we both moved on. I worried that next time I saw her it would be awkward, but she was her old smiling self, as if nothing had happened.
(And for the record, I just heard this update Wednesday on NPR: The nation is currently in a state of disinflation with annual inflation of 2.4 percent. That’s the lowest it’s been since June 2022, when it peaked at 9.1 percent, due largely to pandemic-related issues.)
More beneath the surface
You might wonder why I bother with Mary at all. Well, she sometimes makes me laugh. And even though it’s a big pool as pools go, it’s a small world inside the pool fence. She’s hard to avoid.
My conversations with her have also convinced me politicaholism and talkaholism aren’t so great for the afflicted person either. Mary holds some deep hurts inside. She’s told me more than once she doesn’t really have ANY deep and lasting relationships with other women, even those in her family, and she doesn’t understand why.
I’m sad for her. Rather than always butt heads, I wish we could put our heads together. To her credit, Mary is smart. She reads A LOT, retains it, and is an adept debater. It’s just that her reads are limited to “alternative” news sources and conspiracy fiction she takes too seriously.
And what’s with the reaction she causes in me? Why do I freeze up and get angry and stumble over my responses? I’m smart and articulate too. I don’t think a shouting match over whose facts are the real facts is going to accomplish anything. And I really don’t want to have to memorize tons of stuff, lying in wait for her. I need to be more creative than that.
In lieu of an admission
Mary’s admission of a problem at the top of this post is pure wishful thinking on my part. And addicts don’t change without admitting they are powerless over whatever it is they’re addicted to, believe that a power greater than themselves can restore them to sanity, and then make a decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of that power.
Fat chance getting Mary to go there. Like I said, stonewalled at step 1.
But perhaps an intervention of sorts can move her in a different direction. Here are some options I’ve thought of for pool season 2025:
WHAT IF…I asked Mary to tell me about the first time she remembers identifying with the far right and starting to rely on alternative news. What drew her in? What was happening in her life at that time? Were the two connected in some way?
WHAT IF…I suggested we exchange reading assignments? I’ll read an alternative news story she picks out and we’ll talk about it, then she’ll read a traditional-source news story I pick out and we’ll talk about that?
WHAT IF…Together we choose a particular issue, both research it and compare notes?
Would she go for it? Would she follow through? If not, would it shut her up? Particularly if every time she brought up politics I suggested we research it together and reconvene?
In the aftermath of the 2024 presidential election, I truly want to understand what made the majority of Americans vote for Trump. The answer–if I can get anyone to give it to me–is bound to be different than what I think I know. And maybe in the process, Mary can also get a better idea of where people like me are coming from.
Red and blue used to walk alongside each other, listen to and respect each other and their viewpoints, then work together in a spirit of compromise for the greater good. I’d like to think it can happen again. I’d like to experience it firsthand, and then I’d like to write about it.
Because (looking at it another way) it’s a small pool, but that world outside the fence is so big.
Please join the discussion by commenting…
- Share about dealing with talkaholics or politicaholics. Do you have any techniques that lead to more balanced conversation and less one-sided monologue?
- What do you think about the options I proposed? Can you think of others?
- If you have politically conservative views, share about the first time you remember identifying with this viewpoint. What drew you? What was happening in your life during that time? Do you think the two are connected? If so, how? If not, why not?
& {sometimes} WHY 
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